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<title>they said i could let this bridge wash out by lostsometime</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26347816">they said i could let this bridge wash out</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostsometime/pseuds/lostsometime'>lostsometime</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Comparative Morality, Gen, One-Sided Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett, Philosophical Nattering</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:20:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,503</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26347816</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostsometime/pseuds/lostsometime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Beau?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Jes?”</p>
<p>“I’m not dumb, you know.”</p>
<p>Or: Beau and Jester talk about ethics</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre &amp; Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre &amp; Essek Thelyss, Jester Lavorre &amp; The Traveler, The Gentleman | Babenon Dosal &amp; Jester Lavorre</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>they said i could let this bridge wash out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“—and we’ll see you then! …doot doot do doooo~” </p>
<p>Jester finishes up <em>Sending </em>to Essek with her customary disarming sweetness and flounces up towards the prow of the ship to scan the horizon for any sign of Rumblecusp.  Beau winces.  Jester’s been even more cheerful than usual lately, and it might just be excitement as TravelerCon approaches, but Beau’s pretty sure that’s not all it is.  Jester’s worried, about TravelerCon, about the Traveler, and about all of them.  Sometimes Beau thinks that the worse she feels, the goofier she acts – she spent all day after Fjord’s death and resurrection cracking jokes and doodling dicks.  Jester won’t admit it, but Beau knows she was hurt when she learned the Traveler had lied to her – but she threw herself even more enthusiastically into planning and preparations instead of dealing with it.  Beau’s worried she might be doing the same with her regular <em>Sendings</em> to Essek – she doesn’t know how to process feeling betrayed, so she just – doesn’t.</p>
<p>Beau knows she’s not exactly one to talk about healthy coping strategies, but <em>still</em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She walks across the deck with an affected casualness and drops down to sit tailor-style next to Jester by the railing of the <em>Ball-Eater</em>.  Jester turns to beam at her.  She’s got more freckles, Beau notices, all across her nose and on her shoulders where her tattoo glitters.  She looks <em>happy</em>, and for a second Beau almost chickens out of having this conversation altogether – the idea of being responsible for wiping that smile off Jester’s face feels like a cold lead weight in the pit of her stomach.  But then she thinks about the heaviness of Jester’s shoulders when she thinks nobody’s watching and stiffens her resolve.  She’d planned on figuring out some way to ease into the conversation, but instead she just finds herself blurting out, “You don’t have to keep calling him, you know.”</p>
<p>Jester’s smile falters, and she continues almost desperately.  “Essek, I mean.  I just want to be sure you <em>get </em>that you don’t have to keep acting like nothing’s changed with him.”  Jester looks at her like she grew another head.</p>
<p>“Well, <em>yeah</em>, I know <em>that</em>.  I’m not doing it because I <em>have to</em>, I just wanted to tell him how the trip was going!  I guess maybe I should’ve waited until the end of the day to make sure I wouldn’t need my spells, but, you know, I think we’re probably pretty okay…”  She trails off, fingers wandering nervously to the little silver archway on her belt, and cranes her head to look down at the water beneath them.  “Why, do you think those fish-things are going to come back?”</p>
<p>“No, I… I’m just…”  Ugh.  Talking about feelings is so <em>hard</em>.  “I’m just… <em>worried.  </em>About you.  Uh, I know you’ve been really stressed out with… <em>everything</em>, and I just wanted to check in.  You know you’re allowed to be mad at him, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but I’m not!”</p>
<p>“You’re not… what?  Allowed?”</p>
<p>“No, I know I’m allowed!  I’m not mad at him!”                                                                     </p>
<p>“Okay, but that – that’s why I’m worried!  You keep <em>not being mad </em>when people screw you over!”  Beau rubs one hand over her eyes roughly.</p>
<p>“He didn’t <em>screw me over</em>, Beau, I’m <em>fine</em>.  And Essek’s my friend.”</p>
<p>“How, though?  How is he your friend when he was lying to you every single moment you knew him?”  Beau isn’t talking about Essek anymore.  Or at least, not <em>just </em>about Essek.  It’s a pattern, is the thing, Jester letting people get away with lying to her face.</p>
<p>“If I stopped being friends with everybody who ever lied to me, I couldn’t be friends with hardly anybody at all!  I mean, I could have <em>you</em>, and Fjord, and Caduceus, but I wouldn’t be able to have Caleb or Nott or Essek or… or a whole lot of other people.”</p>
<p>Beau takes a few deep breaths, picturing herself on a sun-drenched rock in the ocean, until she stops wanting to shout with frustration.  “Look – I’m sorry.  I didn’t come over here to argue with you.  I just wanted you to know that if you ever <em>do</em> decide you want to be mad at any of the people who’ve hurt you, I’ve got your back.  That’s all.”  She begins to unfold herself, preparing to get up and go, when Jester stops her with a word.</p>
<p>“Beau?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Jes?”</p>
<p>“I’m not dumb, you know.”</p>
<p>“No, Jes, no, you know I don’t think that – “</p>
<p>“And I’m not totally naïve.  I know what, you know, what bad things are.  I know how bad things can get.”</p>
<p>“Of course, Jes, that’s not what I –”</p>
<p>“Like, I spent two days in a cage waiting to be hurt by people who sell people.”</p>
<p>Beau’s face crumples.  “I know Jes, and I’m so sorry-”</p>
<p>“That’s not my point.  Just, I know my dad’s done that kind of thing, in the past.  Sold people.  And I’m telling you, I know how bad that is.  I <em>know</em>.  But I talked to him about it, and I told him he can’t do stuff like that anymore and he promised me that he won’t, and I know, like, he could be lying.  But I have to at least give him a <em>chance</em> to not be lying.  I have to give him a <em>chance </em>to be better.</p>
<p>And, you know, when I talked to him about it, he <em>knew </em>it was wrong, when he did it.  He knew it was bad and he didn’t like doing it, but he did it anyway.  It’s not like he didn’t <em>know </em>it was wrong.  But it wasn’t even that hard to get him to agree to stop.  I think… I think maybe he was waiting for someone to tell him he <em>could</em>.  Stop doing bad things, I mean.  I think maybe there are a lot of people in the world, like Icky, and Avantika, and Uk’otoa – <em>Uk’otoa,” </em>she pauses to echo herself, drawing a smile out of Beau before continuing.</p>
<p> “—people who spend a lot of time telling good people that it’s okay for them to be bad and that they should do bad things.  But I think maybe there’s not so many people who like to tell bad people that it’s okay for them to <em>stop </em>doing bad things and do good ones instead.  I think maybe there are a lot of people who’d like to stop doing bad things, who are just waiting for someone to tell them they <em>can.</em>”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Beau wants to scoff at that.  To argue that people shouldn’t <em>need </em>to be told that.  To say that it’s not Jester’s responsibility to be the one to tell them.  But she can’t help thinking of all the time she spent doing things she hated, <em>being </em>someone she hated, because she thought she had to.  What it might have been like if someone – if even <em>one person </em>had told her she could stop.</p>
<p>What would it have felt like if someone had come up to her when she was eleven and trying so hard to be the perfect heir her father wanted, and said, <em>You can stop.  You don’t have to keep cutting off bits of yourself to fit into the shape he wants you to be.</em></p>
<p>What would it have felt like if someone had come to her when she was fifteen and smuggling wine and doing everything she could to be the exact <em>opposite </em>of what her father wanted, and said, <em>You can stop.  You don’t have to define yourself by what he wants, or doesn’t want, you to be.  You don’t actually have to care about what he thinks at all.  You can stop now.</em></p>
<p>What would it have been like to have someone like Jester in her life, then?  Would she be a better person?  A happier person?  She thinks she’s doing pretty okay as a person, now.  Helped stop a war and all.  But would she have gotten here sooner?</p>
<p>There’s really no way to know.</p>
<p>She goes to speak and finds her mouth has gone very dry.  She clears her throat roughly, and when she talks her voice sounds about an octave too low – but it doesn’t shake.  There’s no hint of tears in it.  She’ll take it.</p>
<p>“You… you’re a good person, Jessie.”  It’s all she can bring herself to say.  She gives Jester a hesitant side-hug, which Jester returns as a much more enthusiastic, both-arms-round-the-waist hug that knocks Beau’s breath from her lungs for a moment.</p>
<p>Jester seems to take this as Beau conceding the argument, and goes back to scanning the horizon for any signs of nearby islands.  One foot and her tail dangle through the ship’s railings, and Beau is pretty sure she’s humming <em>The Ruby of the Sea (is the best lay ever)</em> under her breath.</p>
<p>She still doesn’t trust Essek.  Or the Gentleman.  <em>Or  </em>the Traveler.  But as she looks at Jester, she knows she has something in common with them – they are all <em>damn </em>lucky to have Jester Lavorre in their lives.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's probably pretty clear which of these characters I agree with, but I hope I did a good job portraying their respective thoughts &amp; beliefs in an empathetic way. They both have some pretty valid points!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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